Messi Kicks Profits Into High Gear: MLS Breaks Records Faster Than a Soccer Mom at a Bake Sale!

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The Messi Effect: How One Superstar is Reshaping MLS Like a Rogue Agent in an ILLEGAL Marketing Scheme

In a world where corporate strategies often resemble elaborate games of Jenga, Major League Soccer (MLS) has decided to toss the blocks and go for a full-on human rocket—enter Lionel Messi, departure from “Why bother?” to “Wow, we have a record?!”

This past season, MLS did a little more than dabble in some attendance records; they practically threw a “let’s break the internet” party. An impressive 11.5 million fans crammed into stadiums, waving banners and doing their best chicken dances to cheer on Messi and crew. That’s up 5% from last year and 14% from 2022. Meanwhile, the NBA is out here like, “That’s cute,” flaunting its 22.5 million viewers. Still, MLS is clearly feeling the swagger, fully aware that any number of people attending is better than no one showing up—yes, that deep existential void.

How did they pull off this miraculous feat? Well, it seems the secret sauce involves a sprinkle of corporate captioning and a dash of “who the heck is this Messi guy, and can he play flautist too?” The football league enlisted not just any player, but the greatest of all time—his holiness of the soccer pitch, Messi himself. And despite Messi skipping a few games this season thanks to injury (because even soccer gods need a break), the effect was nothing short of magical.

Word on the street (or maybe the pitch) is that this was Chris McGowan’s first full season as the executive vice president and chief club performance officer. McGowan’s not just there for the PowerPoint presentations about “what if we made more money?” He’s the consultant whispering sweet business strategies to teams, like “Have you tried selling overpriced nachos?”. One can only imagine him sitting in a boardroom surrounded by puzzled suits, saying things like, “Have you considered more premium seating? Or perhaps, you know, just being Messi?”

This whole “premium seating” revolution has led to some delightful marketing disasters, with teams being told how to monetize every inch of their stadiums. Hooray for capitalism! The methods may sound a little too “Hey, let’s charge more for the same view”—but apparently, it’s working.

And sponsorships? Wowza! MLS pulled in 18 new sponsors, proving that the more you grow, the more brands want to slap their logos where the sun don’t shine—well, more like where the roof doesn’t shine, but you get the gist. Both the league and club sponsorship revenues are up by 13%. It’s like watching a teenager’s bank balance inflate after high school graduation—everyone just wants a piece of the action.

Meanwhile, Messi’s shirt sales are doing a little dance of their own—topping charts like that one evil pop song that gets stuck in your head. His jersey is the hottest ticket item, having sold more than any other player’s in the league’s history. Global domination through fashion, anyone?

On social media, MLS has been strutting its stuff like a peacock at a conference—leading in followers faster than you can say “algorithm”. Inter Miami enjoys a special status as the most followed North American team on TikTok. A feat that may leave some wondering: is MLS a sports league or a social media influencer?

With plans to expand internationally, MLS even teamed up with OneFootball, allowing fans to gleefully scroll through highlights and stats. They might as well rename it “Way Too Much Information” because let’s face it, it’s 2023, and we all love to overflow with data, regardless of its utility.

This season, Messi has transformed MLS. The playoffs are upon us, and fans are kicking their way toward the postseason in droves, proving that in the bizarre circus of professional sports, sometimes you just need one legendary clown to make it all worth the ride. Bring on the absurdity!