Health Workers Exhibit New Definition of ‘Care’ in Controversial Newborn Profit Scheme

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In the latest episode of “How to Make Healthcare Even More Absurd,” Turkish prosecutors have launched a marathon case aiming for over 500 years of prison time for a gang of alleged baby barons. Yes, you heard right—while most of us dream of vacationing in style, these so-called healthcare workers were busy turning ICU beds into gold mines, sacrificing infants for some sweet cash from Türkiye’s social security system. Talk about a money-making scheme!

A staggering 494-page indictment against 47 suspects, which reads like a script from a twisted medical drama, reveals that these health workers—yes, the people we trust with our lives—have been playing ‘musical hospitals,’ shoving infants into overpriced facilities as if they were luxury items on sale. The gang’s clever ploy? Placing babies in hospitals that could potentially squeeze out a bigger check, all while pretending they were being cared for, leading to the tragic knockout of at least 12 tiny lives. Picture this: nursing staff huddling in dark corners, whispering sweet nothings to babies about upcharges and co-payments instead of bedside manners.

And while one suspect is facing a decade-long future of living in concrete luxury for leading this clique—essentially a twisted version of a baby-sitting gang—another duo could clock in at 582 years of occupation in the penal system. Someone surely has a knack for long-term planning!

Meanwhile, Health Minister Kemal Memişoğlu took to CNN Türk to announce the shutdown of 11 hospitals, their licenses revoked like expired coupons, while reassuring the public that the ministry is “trying to save lives.” Ah yes, because who wouldn’t feel comforted knowing a gang of health workers who played baby roulette is out of the picture? But wait, the real kicker? The Minister urges the public to have faith in healthcare workers, reassuring them that Türkiye is a shining gem of health services—despite the rotting cauldrons of malpractice lurking beneath.

In what could easily be confused with a satirical play, a hospital in Bağcılar proudly displayed a sign reading “Newborn-Friendly Hospital,” alongside another establishment featuring a handwritten note that simply stated, “Hospital is Closed.” It’s as if they decided to play dress-up when clearly playing dead would be more appropriate.

And why the uproar now? Aside from the natural response of people being outraged over baby-endangered gangster healthcare, it looks like diligent inspections—surpassing 5,000—finally punctured the gang’s careless bubble. If only the same attention were given to actual health, we might not be witnessing an absurd spectacle of “who can exploit the most vulnerable the quickest.”

Let’s not forget the irony in Memişoğlu’s parting shot about “rotten apples.” In a healthcare system that appears to be perpetually in the vinegar aisle, it raises the question: how many more bad apples are lurking in the orchard, and do they come in different price points? Stay tuned for the next episode of “As the Healthcare Turns!”