Barkley Rushes Past Giants While Jones’ $40 Million Arm Shimmies in the Shadows

In a thrilling display of solo athleticism that had some questioning whether the Philadelphia Eagles were actually just Saquon Barkley and a bunch of guys, the running back rushed for 176 yards on 17 carries against the New York Giants—his former team—outgaining the entire Giants offense by himself. That’s right, folks: one man versus an entire NFL franchise, and you can guess who came out on top.

Barkley nearly broke his own heart, er, career high of 189 rushing yards—set back when he was still pretending he could save the Giants on Dec. 22, 2019—but unfortunately, he was benched like a spare tire in the fourth quarter while his team enjoyed their 28-3 lead. Still, with 187 Total yards including receiving, we can only hope Barkley sent a congratulatory text to the Giants’ offense for making his Sunday so enjoyable.

After a dramatic bidding war that featured an intense game of Monopoly, Barkley signed a three-year, $37.75 million deal with the Eagles this March, which included $26 million guaranteed, proving that when it comes to throwing money at problems, the Eagles and their fans are in it to win it—literally.

Meanwhile, in a masterclass of decision-making, the Giants let Barkley walk because who needs an elite running back when you can pay Daniel Jones $40 million to hold a clipboard? General manager Joe Schoen was caught on camera lamenting, “We’ve got to upgrade the offensive line and you’re paying [Jones] $40 million. It’s not to hand the ball off to a $12 million back,” which just goes to show that fancy numbers can really mess with your math skills.

As Barkley performed like a one-man airshow, the Giants collectively threw for 99 yards—an impressive feat if we factor in that footballs don’t throw themselves. Meanwhile, their passing offense ranks right up there with a dial-up internet connection at just six touchdowns for the season, tied for the fourth fewest in the league. To put that into perspective, even your grandma’s bingo hall has higher scores.

So, the final scoreboard read Philadelphia 28, New York 3, proving that while one team was ready to party like it’s 1999, the other was just hoping to find the end zone before bedtime—I mean, we all have to try sometime, right?