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Mark Cuban rolled into a town hall in Phoenix today, looking like a caffeinated owl in a suit, to announce that under Kamala Harris, small businesses might just flourish—unless, of course, Donald Trump’s economic policies have anything to say about it, which they do, but they tend to whisper sweet nothings about tariffs like a lovesick teenager.
“I’m here to sprinkle a bit of fairy dust over your wallets,” Cuban declared, “because under Kamala, you’ll be counting bills like Scrooge McDuck instead of dodging the tax collector like it’s dodgeball day in elementary school.” He proceeded to unleash a torrent of tariffs and numbers, as if he were trying to solve some twisted math problem from hell, where high universal tariffs mean small-business owners might as well sell their hopes and dreams at a discount, courtesy of Trump.
“Have you ever considered how tariffs are like a bad blind date?” he asked, “They just keep adding costs—like when you thought you were just going out for a cup of coffee, and instead end up paying for a seven-course meal with a side of emotional trauma.” Cuban painted a picture so bleak you could hang it in a museum—a Trump economy that could balloon their operating costs higher than a hot-air balloon convention gone wrong.
Cue the exasperation! “Look downstream, folks! Your families are suffering, even the local retailers are cringing like they just saw their ex at the grocery store,” he lamented. “Meanwhile, Trump’s idea of economic success is like that one friend who shows up bragging about their stock portfolio while you’re nibbling on cold pizza at 2 AM.”
He leaned into the mic, as if about to share the ultimate life hack, “Let me tell you a little bedtime story: once upon a time, there was a billionaire who lived in a golden tower and asked his daddy for money instead of making his own grilled cheese sandwiches. There’s no entrepreneurial rags-to-riches saga there—it’s just a cautionary tale.”
But wait, there’s more! Castro’s proposed economic agenda is apparently a lifeline for small-business owners swamped by uncertainty, featuring magnanimous expansions of startup expense deductions from a mere $5,000 to a staggering $50,000. Cuban proclaimed this like he was revealing the secret to everlasting life, while in the background, Trump’s laundry tariff saga continues to haunt every American who has ever tried to do laundry without offering a sacrifice to the appliance gods.
As Cuban took his final bow, you could practically hear the drumroll for the upcoming parade of political celebrities. Harris, with her board of economic tricks, seems to be collecting endorsements like they were Pokémon cards, while Obama and Clinton prepare to stoke the fire in Arizona. Because nothing screams “trust us to untangle this economic mess” quite like a lineup of former presidents—what could possibly go wrong?
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