11 Pennsylvanians Discover the ‘Natural’ High After Trying the State’s Newest Culinary Delight: Wild Mushrooms – 0/10 Would Not Recommend!

In a plot twist even M. Night Shyamalan would admire, eleven residents of Peach Bottom Township found themselves hospitalized after a Friday night dinner party that doubled as a free-for-all in foraged fungi—because who needs takeout when wild, potentially toxic mushrooms are hanging about?

The culinary cast included a man, a woman, and a whopping nine kids—because nothing says “gourmet feast” like a bunch of amateurs playing “Chopped: Mushroom Edition.” Local NBC affiliate WGAL reported that these amateur foragers ventured into Pennsylvania Dutch Country, also known as the land where cell phones are as welcome as a porcupine at a balloon festival. When the family realized they’d gotten their mushroom choices confused with a local version of “Survivor,” a brave soul had to embark on a treacherous half-mile journey to find a public phone to call 911—imagine the epic saga of prehistoric man, but with more urgency and fewer loincloths.

Emergency responders rolled in after 9:30 p.m., treating the scene like it was a nine-hour film festival of bad decisions—a “mass casualty incident,” as Delta-Cardiff Volunteer Fire Company Station 57 dubbed it. After all, nothing screams “fun family activity” quite like nearly poisoning half the township.

The CDC, in a moment of uncharacteristic clarity, has since warned the public that unless you’re a mycologist (and let’s be real, most of us thought that was a type of astrology),), you should really avoid eating mushrooms you find outside. But why listen to experts when you can channel your inner gourmet chef from the comfort of your own backyard? After all, mushroom poisonings predominantly involve the notorious Amanita phalloides, aptly nicknamed “death caps.” Not to be confused with baseball caps—those won’t kill you, but your dignity may take a hit.

To summarize, if outdoor foraging is on your weekend agenda, remember to bring a guidebook—not just for style points, but to avoid the delightful options that lead to abdominal cramps and a dramatic reenactment of “The Exorcist.”